I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize