I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
