The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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