I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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