Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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