I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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