Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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