We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
