you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
