$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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