I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
