go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
