All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
