i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
What drink are we having for lunch?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
