I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Randomize
