Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
