where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
