the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
