Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
