Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
