me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
