Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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