We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize