So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
