I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
