Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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