I think i peed on brittanys purse
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
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