there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
