I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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