My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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