I looked at my own cervix.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
