i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
