Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
