I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
