Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
