I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
