I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
