I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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