Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
