I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
