its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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