return my video game
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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