Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize