then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
We need a shit load of segways right now
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
