Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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