she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
