So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Alive.
So much puke
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
