I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
