I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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