he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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