How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
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