Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
