Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
