She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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