My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
