your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Dear god my vagina.
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