1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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