I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
